How It Works
I’ve learned over the years that to resolve conflict in real ways, with permanent effects, you need to focus on these four key elements:
- How to deal effectively with emotion – the other person’s and your own.
Emotion arises naturally whenever there is conflict – it’s a natural and healthy signal that something needs attention.But you can’t resolve a conflict effectively when you or the other person is in the grip of strong emotion. You need to defuse the situation first.
- Timing: What to say when (and what not to say)
There is a natural path to resolving conflict peacefully and effectively – things to say first, things to say later, and things not to say at all. When you follow this path things get resolved much more quickly and easily.Without it – well, you may end up with an issue that lingers unresolved for years. Or resolving it ends up consuming far more time, energy and goodwill than necessary – precious time that could have been spent enjoying your work, or being with the people you love.
- How to find solutions that work for everyone
The solution you come up with also has to work for the other person or they won’t follow through on it. But how do you do that without giving up on what you need and want?You have to find and learn a process that is consistent, repeatable, and usable even under stress to identify solutions that work for all, even when it seems impossible. It’s a tall order, but it does exist, and it’s critical.
- How to make it all feel so comfortable and natural to you and your family or team that you’ll actually use it
It’s one thing to understand what you need to do in a conflict situation. It is much more difficult to actually do it. And it’s important that it not come across as a “technique” so that you don’t further harm your relationship by seeming artificial or inauthentic.
When you learn, integrate and apply these four keys, conflicts start to resolve themselves.
Instead of struggling for days (or months… or years…), some conflicts can be resolved in moments, others in a relatively short, focused conversation. And because you’re building a foundation of trust and understanding, relationships become warmer and conflict arises less in the first place.
The way I teach addresses all four of these areas. I give you a roadmap, help you apply it, and, what’s more, help you find your unique approach and voice so it all feels comfortable, natural and easy to use.
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