4 Keys to Appreciations that Other People Really Enjoy
(Time to read: ~5 minutes)
It seems like expressing appreciation could only be a good thing, as long as you’re sincere. How could it possibly create a barrier between you and someone else?
Surprisingly, using appreciation in a connecting way can be trickier than you might think.
I’ve discovered four key ways in which expressing appreciation can actually backfire, and simple ways to avoid each one.
- Backfires: Expressing appreciation to an individual in front of a group.
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I know it’s done all the time, especially in workplaces. And it’s even recommended in some management books as a way to boost productivity.
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But here’s the reality of what happens. Everyone else in the group is going to feel let down and hurt to some extent. Some people will have the inner resources to get over it, but many won’t.
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So whatever benefit the appreciated individual experiences in the moment is likely to be undone as soon as they interact with the other people in the group, whether it’s a workplace or a group of family or friends, and receive subtle or not-to-subtle put-downs from people who say they are “just joking” (but really they aren’t and everyone present knows it).
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And any temporary boost in productivity will be more than undermined by a hidden or not-so-hidden sense of resentment toward the person who expressed the appreciation.
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The Solution:
Express appreciation to individuals privately.
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Express appreciation about a group to the group (and not in front of another group).
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If you want to express appreciation to an individual in front of a group, express individual appreciations to everyone in the group (keeping in mind “What Backfires #3” below). All the appreciations need to be seen as equally valuable.
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If you want to express appreciation to a group in front of a larger group, express unique appreciations to each group in the larger group, so that everyone feels appreciated (also keeping in mind #3 below).
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Again, all the appreciations need to be seen to be about equally important contributions.
. - Backfires: Expressing appreciation about someone who’s not there to someone who is.
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This is a variation on #1 above in which someone raves about the skill, talent, kindness, beauty, etc. of someone who is not present. It’s often inadvertently done by kind people who have a natural appreciation of others.
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Again, the effect on the listener is that they are going to start to feel down on themselves. “What am I, sliced bread? Are you trying to tell me something – that I’m stupid, incompetent, thoughtless, inconsiderate? That I should be more like this other person?”
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But it’s very hard for the listener to speak up, because they don’t want to risk sounding selfish or self-centred and further undermining both their own self-esteem and their connection with the speaker.
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The Solution:
Focus on the person in front of you. If you’re going to express appreciation of someone, consider having it be about them.
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If you are feeling appreciative of someone who’s not present, before you share that, think about why you believe it is of value to the listener to hear your appreciation?
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Are you speaking about a musician whose music you’d like to share with the listener? Or an artist they might enjoy? Or a project that you’re interested in becoming involved with and you wonder if they’d like to join you?
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Make that clear as soon as you can, ideally before you share details of your appreciation of the other person, so the listener can be on the same page with you as you speak.
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One particular sensitive situation occurs when someone has just told you that they are working on a creative project – for example, writing a book on permaculture or creating a video on whale song.
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Rather than sharing your appreciation of your favorite book, video or other resource on that topic, it can be particularly connecting if you express interest and curiosity about what the person in front of you wants to share about their project.
. - Backfires: Expressing appreciation of something about the other person that they don’t really value about themselves, especially if there was something more meaningful you could have recognized instead.
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I used to experience this in my work as a project manager when people would comment on how “detail-oriented” I was when I would bring up a certain critical piece that was threatening the whole project.
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What I wanted to be appreciated for was my ability to zero in on the key element that represented our greatest risk factor at that point in the project – so we could proactively prevent it from derailing our success.
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The Solution: Learn what is really important to the other person about what they do. Then, when there’s an opportunity, notice and appreciate that.
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One of the most powerful ways to do this is to ask “What’s most important to you in the work that you do?” or “in your parenting?” or “in your relationship with your partner?”
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Or you can get even more specific and ask “What has been most meaningful to you in your contributions to the XYZ project?” or “What was most satisfying to you about what you did with your family or your partner this weekend?”
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That’s how I learned that what matters most to a friend of mine who is an incredible technology expert is not her technical skill but her ability to see how to support the long-term well-being of her organization’s clients.
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So when she told me about the completion of her latest project, an intranet connecting her organization and their clients, I knew that it would be much more meaningful to her for me to focus my appreciative comments on the long-term value of the project for the clients, rather than on the technical skill involved.
. - Backfires: Telling the person you are appreciating about other people who’ve done similar things.
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I first learned this one as a teenager. My mother had a visit from a friend, Martha, who came with her 18-month old son, David.
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While Mom and Martha had tea in the living room, I played with David in the bathroom, where he had fun throwing a bar of soap into the water for me to retrieve, over and over and over again.
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After Martha left, Mom expressed sincere appreciation to me for keeping David entertained so she and her friend could visit. I felt really good about how I’d contributed to their enjoyment.
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Until Mom continued “It reminds me of how Doreen and Irene used to do the same thing with you when you were little…”
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Suddenly my balloon of self-appreciation and connection to my mother burst. I felt hurt and angry and I lashed out in typical teenager style.
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I regret my outburst on that day. And, after talking to many adults over the years, I’ve discovered that their feelings in similar situations are the same as mine were – even if they don’t express themselves as I did.
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The Solution: When you express an appreciation to someone, let the appreciation stand alone.
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Don’t compare it to other situations – favorable or unfavorable. Allow the spotlight to remain on the positive qualities of what the other person has done.
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And encourage them to take the time to let your appreciation really “land”.
What advice do you have to share?
What have you found works really well – or creates disconnection?
Click here to send me an email and let me know…
Warmly,
🙂
Glenda
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